Why Ask Why If the Answer Is Nonsensical?

At a recent press conference, the box-fighter Sugar Ray Leonard, proclaiming himself fed up with the sameness of the media exchanges, decided he would make up his own questions and give the answers he saw fit.

Fair enough. I would, accordingly, be obliged if he afforded us the same courtesy. In our case, we would like the liberty of being able to make up the answers , however.

Question: Sugar Ray, how can it be you’re going to be coming back to fighting after a layoff since May 1984, after having only one fight in 60 months--that’s five years?

Answer: How does 30% of $47 million grab you?

Q: But they tell us you’ve got a 2 1/2-acre estate in Maryland with a swimming pool, a Ferrari, Mercedes, station wagon and two Rolls-Royces!

A: You ever take a Rolls-Royce to the garage overnight? You ever heat an estate on 2 1/2 acres?

Q: I see. They say you can never be too thin or too rich, right?

A: You can be too thin.

Q: Why Marvelous Marvin Hagler? Why not fight a leopard in a tree, a shark in water? Didn’t you see this guy practically vaporize Thomas Hearns? And, why not a tune-up fight?

A: Three years ago, I fought a “comeback” fight against a nobody named Kevin Howard for coffee money, a test fight. He knocked me flat on my back. I barely beat him. I figure if I’m going to get knocked on my back, I’m going to get paid for it. Tune-up fights are for truck drivers in bars.

Q: Do you think you have a realistic chance against Hagler?

A: What am I, crazy? Do you think I have a realistic chance against Hagler? Do you know where the expression “They never come back” came from? Lotta people think it was Dempsey. It wasn’t. It was James J. Jeffries. He laid off for six years-- six years! They talked him into coming back because a black champion had the title. Jack Johnson just laughed at him. Knocked him out at his leisure. That set the pattern. Don’t you think I know that? What’s the old saying, “Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it”?

Q: I know you don’t want to talk about your eye problems, that you say that question has been asked and answered, but a detached retina would seem to be a serious warning about the danger of fighting again. Arena lobbies are full of guys who got detached retinas in the ring. They’re selling pencils.

A: Why do you think I don’t want to talk about it? Why do you think I just listen to the doctors who tell me it’s OK? You know, Joe E. Lewis used to have this routine where he said he went to all these doctors and they told him to quit drinking. Finally, he went to one who told him to drink all he wanted. “That’s what I like!” he said. “A doctor with guts!” Well, that’s what I like, too.

Q: Doctors have never fought Marvelous Marvin Hagler.

A: Neither have you. Neither have I.

Q: Boxing is hazardous even for healthy eyes.

A: Boxing is hazardous for lots of healthy things--like brains.

Q: Don’t you worry the way Hagler just walked through Thomas Hearns as if he weren’t there? Justknocked him out on the way by, so to speak? Like a hit-and-run truck?

A: I never thought Marvelous Marvin Hagler was a walk in the park. A day at the beach. I wouldn’t want to fight him in the dark. But these guys who just stand in his face might as well go jump under a train. Or dive down the smokestack of a battleship. I’m aggressive, not suicidal. He’s going to have to go find me.

Q: Your problem is, you don’t know when you’re well off. Doesn’t it bother you that a lot of people think you’re crazy to be doing this?

A: A lot of people thought Nero was crazy, too.

Q: He was.

A: Exactly. A lot of times a lot of people are absolutely right.