Working to Solve Marriage Problems : Couples Must Change Behavior Patterns, Psychotherapist Says

WASHINGTON — “If one person changes in a relationship,” says Doris Wild Helmering, “the relationship changes. I don’t think there is one couple around that hasn’t had a fight and then later said, ‘Gosh, I can’t remember how this whole thing got started.’

“Still,” the St. Louis-based psychotherapist says, “no matter how severe your marriage problems might seem, most of us love our spouses and want to remain married.” Whatever the problem, and wherever the blame might rest, she says, “If you change, your spouse’s response to you will change, and your marriage will get better.”

Helmering insists her procedures for getting a marriage back on track can be accomplished with or without third-party counseling and with or without the direct participation of the other spouse. She explains her approach in “Happily Ever After: A Therapist’s Guide to Taking the Fight Out & Putting the Fun Back Into Your Marriage” (Warner Books, 1986, $17.95).

Defined Patterns

Spouses in troubled marriages (and even in healthy marriages, to some degree) fall into fairly clearly defined behavior patterns, positions Helmering defines as Caretaker, Passive Taker, Corrector and Passive Aggressive. “Occasionally,” she says, “a person will switch back and forth between two of these positions.”

While everyone has characteristics from those categories, “if you’re really locked into one of them, that isn’t good.” The nature of a spouse’s position, says Helmering, defines the role that person will play. For example:

--Caretakers: They “almost always put their mate’s needs ahead of their own. If their spouse is feeling happy, they feel happy. If their spouse feels down in the dumps, they become agitated and try every tactic they know to make their mate feel better.”

Caretakers most often are women, she says, because our society is one in which women are “scripted” to meet others’ emotional needs.

Tremendous Power

The Caretaker in a marriage wields tremendous power since the one playing that role makes most of the decisions. On the other hand, Caretakers often end up feeling cheated because the spouse does not take more responsibility for making decisions. Since they most often respond to their spouses’ emotional needs, Caretakers often feel emotionally deprived or off-balance themselves.

--Passive Takers: They’re “only vaguely aware of their wants and needs and what they like and dislike; rarely feel strongly about anything; take what is dealt them in life; and do not think to question that they have a choice, or that they can make any impact on their life.”

Usually Men’s Roles

Men usually take this role since, as boys, they became used to being taken care of by women. While they may be willing to help with family-associated chores, Passive Takers generally have to be told what to do.

“Perhaps their major flaw,” says Helmering, “is that they do not think about their own wants or try to meet their spouses’ needs or wants.”

--Correctors: They constantly find fault with someone or something. “They can take the best-looking suit, the nicest dinner or the neatest party and invariably see something wrong with it. Their primary focus is to find the flaw.”

Either spouse or both can play the role of Corrector. They usually come from a family in which one or both of their own parents were overly critical. While they readily are critical of their spouses’ behavior, Correctors can be just as hard on themselves. If they do a number of things right and one thing wrong, it is their error that draws their attention.

Takes Control

“As with the Caretaker,” says Helmering, “the Corrector likes to call the shots and tell others what to do and how to do it. Instead of taking control by first looking over a situation that needs changing and then doing something about it, the Corrector tries to control by criticizing his spouse into doing something about the problem.”

Words and phrases often used by the Corrector include: “Always,” “Never,” “You ought to. . ,” “Why don’t you. . ?” “Why did you. . . ?”

--Passive Aggressives: They act from an “I count more than you count, center-of-the-world position.” They show little or no consideration for their spouses. They follow their own standards, paying little or no attention to the standards of others.

“In addition to passively expressing anger,” Helmering notes, “the Passive Aggressive often has a bad temper and frequently loses it when challenged on his behavior or when things don’t go exactly his way.”

Start With Self

A key to helping your spouse emerge from the limitations of these harmful behavior patterns, suggests Helmering, is to first identify and modify the script that you yourself are following. That, she says, will surely bring about healthy changes in your relationship with your spouse.

For example, says Helmering, “My husband comes in and says, ‘Where did you hide the screwdriver, Doris?’ I respond to him by saying, ‘I didn’t hide it anywhere and don’t you dare criticize my housekeeping,’ and we’re off and running.

“Or what I can do is say, ‘Gee, I think the last time I saw it, it was in the garage, but I’m not sure.’ I can respond to him in very different kinds of ways. My one response is going to affect how we spend the next hour, or even the rest of the day.”

Suggested Changes

Among her other suggestions for moving away from a particular script position:

--Caretakers: “Start by writing down those things (family-related chores) that you do in a relationship versus all the things your spouse does. Then work to balance out the list.”

Beyond that, list the things that you enjoy doing and do one of those things each day, just for yourself.

--Passive Takers: Plan one thing each week that you and your spouse will enjoy and do it, whether it’s sightseeing, going to the theater, working in a garden or playing golf.

--Also, “Keep a written log of everything your spouse does for you, and then do twice as much for your spouse.”

--Correctors: Make a list of 50 things you like about yourself and then each morning go over the list. After a period of time you’ll find yourself focusing on those things, as well as on the things you like about other people.

Other techniques: List 15 things daily that you enjoyed or would enjoy doing; pay your spouse at least two compliments each day.

--Passive Aggressives: Start by forcing yourself to adapt to standards other people follow. Make a list of the things you do that anger your mate, decide which you feel you can change, and then resolve to change at least five of those things within a month.

Coping With Temper

Learn to control your temper. “The technique that seems to be the most effective with the people I’ve worked with in therapy,” says Helmering, “is saying 2,000 or 3,000 times a day, ‘Nobody needs to get that angry.’ How can anyone say it that many times a day? It takes less than an hour and a half, and you can do it while you’re showering, blow-drying your hair, commuting. . . . Then, when you become angry, this phrase automatically comes into your head, which helps you see you do have a choice and can stay in control.”

While you primarily are working at changing yourself, says Helmering, there are also things you can do to help a spouse change, too. If, for example, your spouse is a Caretaker you could start doing more things for yourself as well as being more aware of your mate’s needs.

“No one would consciously choose any of these script positions in marriage,” Helmering says, “because they do not help people live up to their full potential . . . but you can change. And on looking back, you’ll see that the energy you put out was well worth it since there are few things in life that are more meaningful or satisfying than a good relationship.”