Opening Mail Is Just the Beginning

Here are a few thoughts-at-large, most of them pretty small:

I have been reading my mail and must now make a public apology. Recently I made the mistake of saying that Larry Bird was not the greatest basketball player in the history of the world. I stand corrected.

Prediction: UCLA 31, Cal State Fullerton 31.

The NFL dumped instant replay because nobody wants to watch Ram plays twice.

Art Monk and James Lofton still look great catching passes. How old are they now--40? 45?

Monk is so old, he could play Little League ball for the Philippines.

If a wrestling promoter promoted tennis, he would stick all those Maleeva sisters out there at the same time, maybe even in a cage.

Le-Lo Lang, a Denver defensive back, sounds like something three backup singers should sing.

Bobby Fischer’s chess match should be on the sports page, right alongside other people who make very tiny moves--like the Rams’ backfield.

Magic Johnson’s appearance on the sideline at Buffalo reinforces my theory that there actually are 12 Magic Johnsons who appear simultaneously all over the world, like imitation Elvises.

Wouldn’t it be funny now if Fay Vincent bought the San Francisco Giants?

Storm-ravaged people near the University of Miami must be thrilled having to cheer: “Go Hurricanes!”

OK, you tell me what possible reason there is for keeping Chuck Finley in the Angels’ starting rotation for the rest of September. To keep him sharp for 1993?

Don’t you love it when John McEnroe abuses camera people, then has CBS fawn all over him? If he ever bites one on the nose, maybe the network will hire him full time.

I could beat any team in baseball if you only gave me guys with “field” in their names. As of Tuesday, Gary Sheffield, Dave Winfield and Cecil Fielder had 81 home runs.

When do the Rams get to have a quarterback controversy?

Congratulations, ESPN! Your recent pun on the last name Bell or Belle is your millionth! Coming up next month: Your millionth Mailman Malone pun! We’ll be watching!

The Los Angeles Kings announced today that they are actively seeking a player younger than 30.

Prediction: Brigham Young 99, San Diego State 99.

Why doesn’t Arkansas just hire the guy from The Citadel?

This being the year of the woman, shouldn’t that college back East be called Mary & William?

Haven’t seen a story about Pat Bradley winning a golf tournament for days now.

Does Willie Gault ever go short?

Dan O’Brien got that decathlon record. Wow, nobody’s going to sleep tonight.

Anybody in Dallas think the Cowboys should rehire Tom Landry?

My solution to the Raider quarterback situation would be to hand the football to Nick Bell 40 times a game.

Attention, ESPN: Then Bell could “wring out” the defense, could “strike” for a touchdown and make Raider opponents look like a bunch of “ding-dongs.” Get it?

Oh, stop complaining. USC this season has outscored such top-ranked teams as Miami, Michigan, Florida, Penn State, Alabama, Georgia and UCLA.

If Bill Clinton would stay home and take care of his own state’s problems, this sort of thing wouldn’t happen to Arkansas football.

According to the Rangers’ George W. Bush, not wanting to “mud-wrestle” with the owners was the reason for Fay Vincent’s resignation. Be watching those mud-wrestling ads in your sports section, just in case some sharp promoter gets an idea. (Vincent, Bush and George Steinbrenner vs. Jerry Reinsdorf, Peter O’Malley and both Autrys, with Marge Schott either abstaining or refereeing.)

Darryl Strawberry had a choice--play for the Dodgers or have back surgery. He chose the more painful of the two.

I hear Vegas now wants it to be Jimmy Connors against all those Maleevas.

Sports Illustrated picked Denver to win the Super Bowl. I have never said this before, but Sports Illustrated is nuts.

The Cincinnati Bengals poured Gatorade instead of champagne on Coach David Shula because he isn’t old enough for alcohol.

Watching the San Diego Chargers should make anybody appreciate that at least the Raiders have enough quarterbacks to have a controversy.

Let me get this straight: Monica Seles does grunt in England, but doesn’t grunt in New York? That’s like eating beans in a tuxedo, then eating caviar in a T-shirt.

Nominations for commissioner by the baseball owners include: Charlie McCarthy, Jerry Mahoney, Howdy Doody, Pinocchio, Lambchop, Punch and, of course, Judy.