Bolivia It or Not, It’s Time to Begin

CHICAGO — Onward and Cupward:

--Yes, fans, here comes that Bolivia soccer game you’ve all been waiting for.

--Nobody’s sleeping in La Paz tonight, let me tell ya.

--It’ll be Bolivia vs. Germany here on a toasty Morocco vs. Saudi Arabia kind of morning in Chicago.

--Hot, hot, hot. Game-time temperatures expected in the 451-degree Fahrenheit range, partly cloudy, slight chance of cremation by midafternoon.

--Hot, hot, hot. Ernie Banks just went outside, came back in and said: “Man, let’s not even play one today.”

--Capt. Rodham Clinton will present arms with the color guard, then report back to her local Marine Corps Reserve unit.

--Bolivian anthem to be sung by Bolivia Newton-John.

--German anthem to be sung by Maj. Wilhelm Strasser, just back from a disappointing two-week engagement at Rick’s Cafe Americain.

--Free Lothar Matthaeus souvenir cups to the first 500 customers.

--Vegas oddsmakers like Germany in this one, but I always take Bolivia plus the spread.

--If the Bolivians get the Germans down, 3-1, they’ll choke.

--Soldier Field will be completely sold out. (Assuming that World Cup officials sent out the right tickets.)

--Quick, everybody double-check. You could be holding four seats for Cameroon-Sweden or four for Pearl Jam.

--Wind is expected to curve corner kicks north to northwest at approximately 10 m.p.h.

--Sneaking out of work is the real worry today for average Chicagoans who can’t afford to knock off whenever they please, like Jordan and Sandberg.

--As per tradition, Harry Caray will sing about the 70th-minute mark.

“All right! Germans! Let me hear you!

“Wie komme ich zum Stadion?!

“Wie komme ich zum personen?!

“Ich mochte die Erdnuss mit Cracker Jack! . . . “

--Hot, hot, hot. The soccer ball will be needing oxygen.

--Xavier Azkargorta, Bolivia’s coach, probably will be doing the “Da-da-da, da-da-da” thing for ESPN.

--A Bolivian victory today could lead to more rioting in Vancouver.

--Good news from Detroit, where reports continue that the indoor grass in the Pontiac Silverdome is growing longer and greener by the minute. Complete film coverage tonight at 5, 6 and 11.

--Team USA will open play Saturday in Detroit at the World Cup Poulan Weed-Eater Bowl.

--Hard part is still finding a Lawn Boy Zamboni.

--The U.S.-Switzerland game will be televised at 8:30 a.m. Pacific time, pretty much when most of us prefer to watch our soccer.

--Put down that doughnut or you could miss the only goal.

--I asked Swiss officials how they felt about indoor grass. They said: “We don’t care, one way or another.”

--Coach Bora Milutinovic says all systems are go, although he has absolutely no idea what that means.

--Mexico can’t wait to get past Norway, Ireland and Italy in hopes of another shot at much-feared soccer power United States.

--I asked Swiss officials if the United States could defeat Mexico again. They said: “We don’t care, one way or another.”

--Go with South Korea 1, Spain 0 in tonight’s game in Dallas. But it could be closer.

--That man shouting, “You’re running the wrong way!” from the stands? Look closely. It’ll be Leon Lett.

--It should be that rarest of football games from Dallas, one with no TV angles of cheerleaders from the boots up.

--If this thing works out, “Friday Night Soccer” could be part of the new fall lineup on ABC.

--Remember, any re-use or re-broadcast of this soccer game without the expressed written permission of FIFA is strictly prohibited.