Long Distance Puts Marriage to the Test : Employment: When a spouse’s job moves, sometimes the family doesn’t. But the commuter lifestyle for one person can mean adjustments--and rewards--for everyone involved.

Two years ago when Jack Freeman learned that his engineering job for Hughes Aircraft Co. was relocating to Arizona, the longtime employee quickly resolved to go with it.

The question was, would Jack keep his home in Simi Valley and commute to Tucson, or would he move to Tucson with his wife, Elaine, leaving her to shuttle to her job as a consultant in Thousand Oaks.

But Jack Freeman, 52, has worked as an electrical engineer at Hughes for 25 years, and his longevity at the company was a major factor in the couple’s decision.

“In terms of benefits and retirement, he has a real investment there,” Elaine, 57, said. “It was really a question of who had the most flexibility. I did, so we decided to move to Arizona.”

Last summer, Hughes Aircraft’s missile systems division in West Hills was closed and the engineering group, with more than 1,000 workers, was moved to Tucson where the missiles are manufactured.

So the Freemans sold the Simi Valley house they had owned since 1989 and bought a home in Tucson. But sinking California real estate values left them with a 15% loss on the Simi Valley home. While the couple is quite pleased with the 2,600-square-foot, custom-built house they found in Tucson, rising real estate values in Arizona made the $230,000 price more costly than they expected.

Now, Elaine Freeman rents rooms during the week at a friend’s house in Thousand Oaks for about $200 a month. In addition, she spends $120 a week on air fare between Tucson and Thousand Oaks, where she works as a consultant to developers on commercial real estate projects. Meanwhile, monthly long-distance phone bills for the Freemans between Thousand Oaks and Tucson run about $200.

“Living in two places has definitely increased our expenses,” Jack Freeman said. “In retrospect, I almost think we might have been better off keeping the house in Simi Valley.”

Faced with corporate downsizing and far-flung job offers, an increasing number of two-career couples are sacrificing marital traditions of hearth and home in favor of distant career opportunities.

“Some people could live together, but often they find they can get much better jobs if they are willing to live apart,” said Naomi Gerstel, professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts and author of “Commuter Marriage.” “This is especially common with older couples, who say, ‘If I don’t do it now, when am I going to do it?’ ”

These long-distance commuters soon discover that setting up a second household can create a myriad of challenges. From the expense of keeping two homes to the pressure of maintaining a marriage without the comfort of the daily routine, long-distance life can get rocky.

“Embarking on a long-distance commuting relationship doesn’t destroy the relationship by any means,” Gerstel said. “But when you consider the cost and the long absences, you can see that there is a lot of potential for added stress.”

The Freemans, married for 17 years, said they are generally pleased with their new living arrangement. They knew they could adapt because they had adjusted easily in the past when Jack’s work kept him on the road for several months at a stretch. The couple used to go to health clubs together to work out; now Elaine belongs to a health club in Thousand Oaks, while Jack works out in Tucson. They compensate with a new weekend routine together that includes a tai chi class on Saturday mornings and dinner with new friends in Tucson.

“I feel like I have the best of both worlds,” Elaine said. “I still have my job and my friends here, and then I have these new friends and this new life in Tucson.”

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Despite the difficulties, long-distance commuting can be a marriage boon, shoring up a couple’s commitment and helping spouses appreciate one another, said Fairlee Winfield, a professor of management at Northern Arizona University and author of “Commuter Marriage: Living Together, Apart.”

“Generally speaking, the quality of the relationship improves,” Winfield said. “You have to face all these tests, and if the relationship was fairly strong to start with, ultimately you come out stronger because of it.”

Having survived one bout of long-distance commuting and embarked on a second, Michael and Susan Wesner know this to be true.

In the mid-1980s Michael, now 45, worked as an independent consultant, teaching companies around the country how to catalogue data on computers. On the weekends he would try to make it home to Moorpark. By the late 1980s, he had established enough business in Southern California that he was able to live at home.

Then the California recession hit, so Michael Wesner hit the road again. Now he works out of the Chicago office of the Price Waterhouse accounting firm and travels about 15 days a month. Price Waterhouse decided it would be cheaper to hire him rather than continue paying consultants to do their computer training.

But the Wesners, who have lived in Moorpark for 13 years, never seriously considered moving to Chicago. “Moving away from your social circle tends to deteriorate your quality of life,” Michael said.

Added Susan: “Chicago is a nice city, but it’s never been one of my favorite places. It’s sort of in the middle of nowhere. If we had to move, I’d want to go to the other coast.”

Susan, 46, works in a fabric store in Camarillo and manages most of the couple’s household affairs in Moorpark.

She spends 20 to 25 hours a week volunteering at the Kiwanis Club of Ventura County, coordinating activities for 18 clubs and 500 volunteers. Much of the couple’s weekend time is consumed by Kiwanis Club events.

“We are both committed to this community,” Susan said, “The Kiwanis Club is something we can do together.”

The Wesners, married 19 years, say one of the most difficult things about sustaining a long-distance commuting relationship is the distribution on power over household decisions.

“If the washing machine breaks down and you decide it’s too expensive to repair, do you buy a new one or do you sit around and wait for somebody else to decide?” said Susan. “I’m the kind of person who will call my husband and say ‘These are the pros and cons, and I decided to buy a new one.’ ”

Added Michael: “It becomes a different program entirely, and there are a lot of psychological adjustments. . . . When you come home and look at the checkbook, is it a discussion or an inquisition? Your whole social life gets changed around, and your communication goes down.”

One key to a long-distance commute is to keep in touch while apart and make sure to set aside time to enjoy one another when together, Michael said.

“When I’m home, I clear my calendar,” he said. “Even if I might want to have a quiet evening at home, I prepare myself for the possibility of another dinner out, because that is just one of the adjustments you make.”

For couples with children, the adjustments can be even more dramatic.

Gary and Sandra Cabriales in Moorpark have worked their schedule around a long-distance commute for years. Gary, 38, has been a Delta Airlines pilot for six years. He’s well paid for his work, but like many airline pilots he alternates between flying and free time in three- or four-day stretches.

When he’s home, Gary serves on the Moorpark school board and spends as much time as he can with his four children, ages 6 to 18, fixing their breakfast before school and taking them to soccer practice.

But the Cabrialeses acknowledge that raising a family with one parent gone half the time isn’t easy. They frequently turn to their parents, who also live in Moorpark, to pitch in with baby-sitting chores. In addition, seven of Sandra’s 10 siblings live nearby. This extended family enables Sandra, 38, to also work as a teacher’s aide at Peach Hill Elementary School in Moorpark.

“When he’s gone, he’s gone and I can’t rely on him to help out,” Sandra said. “But when he’s here, the family has his full attention 100%.”

Birthdays and holidays happen when Gary is in town. “We’ve learned to celebrate before or after,” Sandra said. “It doesn’t always have to be on the exact date if Dad’s not around.”

Gary admits his schedule can be trying. He has missed the births of two of their children. And Delta recently transferred Gary’s hub from Los Angeles International Airport to Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport, which has added several days of travel each month. “A day or two a month might not seem like much, but to me, any extra time away from my family is a lot.”

When Gary was transferred to Dallas, the couple considered moving there, but they decided to stay put rather than lose the close ties to their friends and community.

“We were excited about the idea of going to a new place,” Sandra said. “But we wanted the children to have the chance to get to know their grandparents.”

Occasionally, the Cabrialeses, married for 16 years, will mix business and pleasure. If Gary is flying to an appealing destination, Sandra will leave the children with their grandparents and accompany him. “We’ve been to Mexico, Hawaii, Virginia,” she said. “It’s a nice break in the routine.”

Despite the scheduling maneuvers and the time Gary spends away from home, Sandra said being a pilot means having “a well-paying job, and he loves it.

“I don’t think there’s anything else he’d rather be doing.”