LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Peace is at hand . . . Bob Mills on the signing of the Bosnia accord: “It was very historic. President Clinton used the same pen that he used at Oxford to fill out his deferment application.”

* Adds Argus Hamilton: “There are still some issues the three sides will never agree upon. The Serbs say Dallas Cowboys Coach Barry Switzer was right to go for a first down, while the Bosnians and Croatians say he should have punted.”

David Letterman, on the congressional Bosnia vote: “They also voted to change the name of that mission to ‘Operation: Forget About Whitewater.’ ”

Paul Ecker, on Jay Leno going to entertain our troops in Bosnia: “He will fly there first class, which means Energy Secretary Hazel O’Leary will be bumped to standby.”

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Also in the news . . . Cutler Daily Scoop, on the budget impasse: “Both sides are giving us more fake numbers than a Milli Vanilli concert.”

Mills, on Blue Cross and Health Systems International calling off a proposed multibillion-dollar merger: “The deal fell through when Blue Cross decided to get a second opinion from Kaiser-Permanente.”

Kenny Noble, on “Taking Back Our Streets,” Police Chief Willie Williams’ planned book: “One chapter apparently deals with the LAPD’s efforts to reclaim our neighborhoods from gangs of Amway reps.”

Alex Pearlstein, on Christopher Darden becoming a full-time law professor: “He’ll no doubt teach his students the two most important words that every trial lawyer should know: Book deal.”

Noble, on Johnnie Cochran’s Christmas party: “There was one glitch. O.J.’s stocking didn’t fit.”

Cutler, on Microsoft and NBC teaming up for an all-news cable/multimedia channel: “Now Windows 95 and ‘Friends’ have something in common, besides being the year’s two most over-hyped programs.”

Mills, on Bill Gates becoming a dad: “His wife, Melinda French, is scheduled to download in May.”

Jay Leno, on Utah giving condemned inmates the choice of death by lethal injection or firing squad: “That’s got to be a tough decision. You don’t want to make the wrong choice and end up regretting it for the rest of your life.”

Gary Easley, on Japanese scientists discovering that a few zaps of radiation make bad wine taste good: “They also found out that a few glasses of bad wine can make your blind date look good.”

Leno, on the book that claims 86% of women surveyed say they have thoughts about chocolate during sex: “It usually starts out with Hershey’s Kisses and ends up with her shouting, ‘Oh Henry!’ ”

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Sherman Oaks reader Evelyn Landa says that when her grandson Matthew was 3, his parents took him to see the ocean after a fierce storm. He, of course, wanted to walk down to the water, but his mom explained that the beach had been closed because of damage and runoff. Matthew was confused, saying:

“If the beach is closed, why is the water still going?”