LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Le grande Orange: Former county Treasurer Robert Citron relied on a mail-order astrologer and a psychic for his failed interest-rate predictions:

* “Well, this explains everything. The post office was probably delivering the astrologer’s predictions from three years ago.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “For Orange County, he turned out to be a Cancer.” (Paul Ecker)

* “The astrologer told him: ‘Your moon is in Jupiter, your head is in Uranus.’ ” (Jenny Church)

* “When they checked Citron’s Tarot cards, the entire deck was jokers.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Unfortunately, when O.C. businesspeople are now asked, ‘What’s your sign?’ it’s usually ‘Going Out of Business Sale.’ ” (Pearlstein)

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Also in the news: Bob Mills, on widespread flooding in Bosnia hampering NATO troop deployment: “The water got so high, Gen. William Nash had to call for additional support from the Army’s super-elite 7th Malibu Sandbag Battalion.”

* Adds, Argus Hamilton: “Last week, the troops couldn’t get into Bosnia because of snow. But neither rain, nor hail, nor snow can halt the power of a really bad idea.”

Jay Leno, on President Clinton buying several Monopoly games as Christmas gifts: “This shows you how clever the man really is. He throws the games away and keeps the ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards for himself and Hillary.”

* Adds Paul Steinberg: “He started to play a game with Bob Dole, but they kept fighting over who was going to control Pennsylvania Avenue.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on an ethics panel wanting to limit Newt Gingrich’s book royalties: “Democats are just jealous of a congressman who can construct a sentence rather than serve one.”

Hamilton, on Clinton naming a new international trade center after Ronald Reagan: “At last, a place where arms can be traded for hostages right out in the open.”

Leno, on the former Tammy Faye Bakker’s new daytime talk show: “This is the first time the host of a show is more dysfunctional than any of the guests.”

Kenny Noble, on Robin Leach’s new cookbook: “One dessert recipe is so rich, it’s in its own tax bracket.”

Church, on sleep researchers suggesting that teens can’t pay attention because school starts too early: “When should it start, when they’re 40?”

Steve Tatham, on a study that reveals ulcers are caused by bacteria: “The bacteria even have a scientific name. It’s called ‘your boss.’ ”

Dave McLaughlin, on the book “No More Negative Thoughts”: “My boss was trying to improve office morale, so he gave everyone a copy. I read it and I thought it sucked.”

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As San Pedro reader Geno Perezselsky’s granddaughter Elisa, 4, was nearing her first communion, a family friend offered the girl’s mother two veils to use. When Elisa tried them on, she inquired:

“Am I getting married?”