Punch Lines

In the news: Alleged Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski was turned in by his own relatives. Says Paul Steinberg, “Gee, if they get a Christmas card from Ted this year, I’d advise them not to open it.”

* Adds Argus Hamilton, “He had a superb school record. At 16 he received Montana’s most coveted academic honor. He was selected to study under Wile E. Coyote at Acme.”

* Adds Jerry Perisho, “In the suspect’s cabin they found bomb-making components, including sitcom scripts, laugh-track recordings and a signed CBS contract.”

Good news! The federal government reported that 140,000 jobs were added last month. Says Hamilton, “There’s only one explanation for this: Many CEOs just got their 30-day chip at Downsizers Anonymous.”

Ardell Hollobaugh says she heard that UC Irvine hosted its first annual Dr. Ricardo Asch Easter Egg Hunt. “Winners were awarded services at other fertility clinics.”

Philip Morris has released a new ad that says in crayon “Kids should not smoke.” Says Joe Vogel, “The ad goes on to say, in small print, ‘But if they find a particular camel to be cool and make the decision to smoke--we’re there for them.’ ”

Plagued by tunnel cave-ins, says Bob Mills, “MTA officials have fired their soil engineers and assigned the problem of loose and shifting muck and mire to real experts--their lawyers.”

A new study shows people think TV and newspapers are more believable than churches. Says Paul Ryan, “You know religion is having problems when congregation members would rather confess to ‘Hard Copy’ than to their minister.”

Fifth-graders in Georgia are using worms to recycle garbage from school lunches. Says Ryan, “But even the worms won’t eat the Salisbury steak.”

Last weekend’s “Moses” on TNT wasn’t nearly as good as the classic film “The Ten Commandments,” says Hamilton. “It was silly. The first plague to hit the Egyptians was when Ted Turner told the extras it was a nonunion production.”

* Add Larry Swerdlow and Monica Marotta, “Little-known fact: The Pharaoh’s henchmen trained at the Riverside County Sheriff’s Academy.”

Rapper Tupac Shakur has been ordered to jail for violating his probation. Says Alan Ray, “He failed to do his community service: He remains in the music business.”

Brad Halpern says Marlon Brando is planning to remake one of his classic movies, “Streetcar Named Diss-Hollywood.”

Shari Lewis’ puppet Lamb Chop has turned 40. Says Steinberg, “She’s released a tell-all book: ‘Mitten or Mutton: The True Story.’ ”

*

Readers Charlotte and Joe Lubman say that last summer their granddaughter Alexandra, 2 1/2, took her first airplane trip. She looked out the window, saw clouds below and said:

“Mommy, did you know we’re flying upside down?”