Punch Lines

Fox is going to expand its TV ratings to include the letters “S,” “V” and “L” to indicate sexual, violent or strong language content. Steve Tatham wonders, “How about the warning label ‘C’ that indicates which shows simply have content?”

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A landscaper says Martha Stewart drove her car into him while he was building a fence for a neighbor. “Stewart and the neighbor have feuded for years about shrubbery and other household issues--such as the neighbor’s insistence on hanging toilet paper in the annoying ‘under the roll’ position.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Paula Jones vs. Bill Clinton: “The president has hired the services of Johnnie Cochran. Cochran said, ‘We’ve taken our stance--the prez did not take down his pants!’ ” (Brian J. Hill)

* Clinton’s attorney said no way will the president issue an apology; however, the president is willing to kiss and make up. (Daily Scoop)

* “There’s this overriding question: Should the president settle? . . . Hillary’s been begging him for years.” (Daily Scoop)

* “President Clinton should let his lawyers do his negotiating. The last time he tried to settle with Jones, he offered her a free night in the Lincoln bedroom.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “The whole affair is making more people come forward. Today, a woman claimed Al Gore once took her to a motel room where he proceeded to loosen his tie.” (Jay Leno)

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Some 400 experts have gathered in Boston for a conference on health issues faced by transvestites and transsexuals. The conference will focus on ways to get more members of the transgender community to seek health care. Advocates say that many transgender people lack adequate health care because they fear rejection and ridicule. As Mark Wheeler puts it, “Maybe they just don’t have the time to visit the doctor, what with all the daily appearances on Sally, Jerry and Ricki.”

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Gallic politics: French voters rejected President Jacques Chirac’s party in favor of a socialist-controlled National Assembly. “The French are so disgusted with the current leadership,” says Bob Mills, “there were 687,431 write-in votes for Jerry Lewis.”

* The new prime minister is a socialist. “Now,” says Jenny Church, “Europe is leaning so far to the left, the Tower of Pisa is standing straight.”

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Aging Rockers Department: Bob Dylan was released after being treated for a potentially fatal lung infection. “It took awhile for the doctors to realize he was ill. He was wheezing horribly and sounded like he was in incredible pain.” (Daily Scoop)

Reader Mark Roady’s mother-in-law says that when she told her 2-year-old that she was going to buy her and her sister a thesaurus, Lauren replied:

“I don’t want any more dinosaur toys.”