LAUGH LINES

Stands to Reason: President Clinton attended a welfare-to-work conference in Chicago. “It’s so important. You can’t expect a man who’s lived on a government check all his life to enter the private sector without a little training.” (Argus Hamilton)

Another Record: In the last week, Mark McGwire passed the 500-career home run mark, and Tony Gwynn notched 3,000 hits. “And the Dodgers are nearing a record too: 4,000 career excuses.” (Daily Scoop)

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The Essential David Letterman

Ways Dan Quayle is trying to prove he’s smart:

10. No more lengthy pauses while reciting alphabet.

6. Completing crossword puzzle on his Chuck E. Cheese place mat.

5. Defeated a Mr. Coffee machine in a chess match.

4. Instead of saying, “I don’t know,” now answering, “That information is currently missing from my cranium.”

3. Challenges reporters to give him two single-digit numbers to add.

2. While all those other idiots campaign in Iowa, Dan’s got Canada all to himself.

1. He’s not voting for himself.

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