LAUGH LINES

Not Mad About America: “Johnny Depp says he doesn’t really miss the U.S. Depp is living in France. . . . He tells the New York Daily News . . . that whenever he wants to feel like he’s back in the U.S., he just flips on CNN and watches ‘the madness.’ . . . And by ‘madness,’ we assume he means the Larry King show.” (Mark Wheeler)

The Write Stuff: Hillary Rodham Clinton “was offered $8 million for a book of her memoirs--but only if she discusses her husband’s affairs. Today, President Clinton offered to cheat again to try and get the price up a bit more for her.” (Jay Leno)

Showing Off: “Anna Nicole Smith is going to pose nude in an upcoming issue of Playboy. . . . I understand it’s going to be for their annual ‘Gold Diggers’ issue.” (Andrew Wisot)

The Danger Zone: “According to a new survey, the most dangerous sport to play is basketball. . . . Well, of course--just look at the Clippers. They get killed every year.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

High and Happy: “According to an Internet study, the Colombians consider themselves to be the world’s happiest people. Well, duh! When the No. 1 product is cocaine, what do you think?” (Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.