Academy Awards Have Had Their Share of Not-So-Fine Moments

What with the missing ballots and missing statuettes, it’s been one mystery after another this year for the Oscar folks. Some unscheduled dramas of other years:

* 1996: When it comes time to name the Oscar winner for achievement in music (original dramatic score), no envelope can be found. Co-presenter Quincy Jones must leave the stage to get the winner’s name.

* 1994: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences takes North Hollywood candy maker Frank Sheftel to court to stop him from marketing 10-inch chocolate Oscars. (Maybe the academy should ask Sheftel to replace this year’s missing statuettes.)

* 1988: Gustav Hasford, nominated for an Academy Award for screenwriting, is a no-show after it is disclosed that he has more than 700 library books, all overdue.

* 1983: A Polish emigre who won an Academy Award for best animated short subject is arrested after allegedly kicking a sheriff’s deputy while leaving the ceremonies.

* 1981: A man in a replica of a CHP officer’s uniform is arrested for sneaking into the Oscar ceremonies posing as television actor Erik (“CHIPs”) Estrada.

* 1974: Artist Robert Opel dashes nude across the Oscar stage. Actor David Niven, who was about to present an award, quips that Opel had revealed “his shortcomings.”

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ON THE JOB TRAINING? A band whose hiring requirements suggest it could produce some real noise pollution caught the eye of Georgia Lee of San Gabriel (see accompanying).

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THANKS BUT I’LL SKIP THE DESSERT: Carolyn Peterson of Canyon Country noticed a lunch menu with a not-so-tasty final dish (see accompanying).

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NO SENSE OF HISTORY: A woman walked into the Kasimoff-Bluthner piano store in L.A. and asked if she could play a few notes, inasmuch as she had left her own piano behind in the Midwest.

“She spotted a triangular keyboard and struck a note and then asked, ‘What is this?’ ” said owner Helga Kasimoff. “I replied, ‘A spinet harpsichord, the kind Bach wrote his music for.’ She shook her head and exclaimed, ‘What are they going to make next?’ ”

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053 and by e-mail at [email protected]