Phone-Booth Aquarium: For Soggy Supermen or Fish With Hang-Ups

Aquatic Bel-Air Bureau: College students are known for pulling goofy stunts, such as swallowing live goldfish, leaving a dead horse in Dean Wormer’s office or seeing how many people can cram into a phone booth.

Now, in a major breakthrough, a Maryland company has created a way to do two of these stunts at once. Introducing the world’s first phone-booth aquarium. Handcrafted from wood, this amazing dual-purpose device stands 6 feet high and comes in a cherry finish.

Guaranteed to provide hours of campus fun, it’s yours for just $2,500 from the Distinguished Aquarium (long-distance service not included).

The company also puts fish tanks in popcorn carts, streetcars and newspaper stands (giving new meaning to the term “fish wrapper”).

Meanwhile, Neiman Marcus is selling “Telefishin,” a vintage 1960s TV set with a 20-gallon aquarium for a picture screen. Price: $1,500.

Truly, this is the dawning of the age of aquariums.

Conspiracies Inc.: Present company excluded, of course, but people can be so dumb. For example, a group called Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch recently handed out awards for idiot-proof warning labels on irons that say, “Never iron clothes while they are being worn,” and a 13-inch wheelbarrow tire that says, “Not for highway use.”

Closer to home, Off-Kilter just attended a dinner party at which an entire table of morons claimed President Clinton was behind dozens of mysterious deaths, including the plane crash that killed John F. Kennedy Jr.

When we asked why Clinton would risk his career to have all these people slain, the conspiracy theorists replied: “Because they had information that would ruin him.”

Oh, unlike, say, Monica Lewinsky or Linda Tripp or Gennifer Flowers? Why didn’t he have them bumped off? “Duh, because they were in the public eye and it would be too obvious,” they said.

So, you think JFK Jr. isn’t in the public eye? Why would Clinton want him dead? “Because he was going to run for U.S. senator from New York and it could’ve derailed Hillary’s campaign.”

Oh, right. Then how come Rudy Giuliani hasn’t been killed in an “accident” too? Also, if what you say is true, wouldn’t the media eventually dig it up and publish it?

“No, because the media is part of the conspiracy,” they said.

Which is a good point, and which is why, as a member of the media, we had to have everyone at the dinner party killed in a mysterious auto accident caused by the use of wheelbarrow tires on their cars. Also, we’re sorry to report that any of you who have read this far will also have to be liquidated. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: We’re embarrassed to admit it, but earlier this week, we actually began to doubt the journalistic integrity of the Weekly World News. Flipping through the latest issue, we spotted a headline that said: “3,000-Year-Old Mummy Comes to Life and Wrecks Museum!” Nothing odd there, but then six pages later, we found this article: “$1.8 Million Egyptian Government Study Proves Mummies CAN’T Come Back to Life!”

It briefly shattered our core belief system, but then we ran across another article that restored our faith in the tabloid’s credibility: “Double Your IQ by Eating Ants!”

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Unpaid Informants: Associated Press. E-mail Off-Kilter at [email protected]. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.